Final Post

Lost

I may have lost my way a little bit with going through depression, but losing my morals and respect towards others is something i REFUSE to lose.

Just. Keep. Breathing.

It's Spring!

So yesterday was the first day of Spring, Although you wouldn't really know it by looking outside. It's all gloomy as snowy as usual. But all my days have been feeling pretty gloomy lately.

Finally went to the doctors yesterday and now i have to go for tests on my Thyroids and iron. I wish i didn't put it off for so long because i can't remember the last time i felt even a little bit awake. I wish it didn't take me so long to admit that something was wrong. From the moment i wake up to the moment i go the sleep, my eyes are in constant strain as if i haven't slept in days. As much as i hate blood work, i really just want some answers.

Besides the health issues things have been good. Finally caught up at work which is nice. I also have a few bowling tournaments coming up which i'm pretty excited for! I'm also kinda sad because next month bowling is over. Even though it'll be nice to have my Sunday's back, i'm gonna feel like something is missing. I had a pretty good season. Got a lot of goals for myself accomplished and i have a really great team! I've come a long ways with league. I remember when i first started bowling and had an 80 average and bowled on the wrong foot. Now here i am with almost a 200 average. After having some personal issues 2 years ago, i wasn't sure i would even return to bowling. I ended up taking a year off to get away from the drama and wondered if i'd ever be able to return. Luckily i got new friends into my life, and it turns out they had a spot open on there team and happened to bowl at the same alley i did. The chances of that happening were super bizarre, and that's how i knew i was meant to get back there. When something is that much of a coincidence, i take that as a sign that's where i'm supposed to be.

I can't let my fear of some stupid conflict keep me from doing what i love. Every year i see myself getting better and better. After joining that new team, the next season they weren't sure if they were coming back or not. I didn't let that stop me, i went a put my own team together and continued what i never should have stopped. 

I plan to finish this season on a high note! I'm so proud of my team for making it to A division for the finals! No matter how we finish, we did really great! Can't wait for next season!

Forever Sleepy

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I can't say that i really celebrate this day a lot. I don't think I've ever gone out and had drinks or even remember to wear green. If i do, it's usually by accident. I think the only time i put effort into wearing green was in elementary because if you didn't you'd be pinched. Also they usually had donut days which were always amazing!

The main reason I'm really happy today is because it's Friday! What a long week it's been. Dealing with the time change and losing an hour was the challenge at the beginning of the week. Then on Tuesday i had that really bad anxiety. Wednesday wasn't much better because i started getting really bad chest pains which resulted in me being sent home. Sometime's it takes things like that to give me that push to take better care of my health. Sometimes we get so busy that we push stuff aside until something bad happens.

I've got a doctors appointment on Monday to hopefully get some answers. I think my biggest problem is how exhausted i am all the time. I'm anemic so i lack Iron in my body. A few months ago i had my levels checked and they were okay, but i was still so exhausted. Tyler convinced me to buy some of my herbal iron to try and help. I've actually been really good about taking it everyday. I'm on the second bottle and feel more exhausted then ever. My mom mentioned that Thyroid problems run in our family so that could be a cause. So we shall see. I just know that involves going for more blood work which i absolutely hate. I've never been one for needles.

It's so hard to explain how i feel sometimes. All my life I've struggled with having a normal amount of energy. It was in grade 2 that i was falling asleep in class so they had me tested and found out i was anemic just like my mom. I remember trying to take all sorts of iron supplements, even straight liquid iron at one point. But my body has a hard time absorbing it so it was basically useless. The herbal iron i take now work's the best i guess you could say. But i find myself getting frustrated with it because A) its really expensive and B) i can't seem to notice a difference right now. Since i can't tell any increase in energy, I'm wondering if there is something else wrong.

No matter how much sleep i get, i always wake up feeling like i haven't slept in days. I can't remember the last time i woke up feeling well rested. It's so difficult trying to get through the day when i'm so tired that my eyes hurt. Right now it's to the point that if i don't actually shut my eyes for a few minutes every couple hours, i can't make it through the day. By 8pm I'm always dragging my butt and fighting to stay awake till at least 9. When I'm visiting friends or staying over at someone else's house and say i have to leave at 9 or need to go to sleep really early, they don't seem to quite understand why. I always tell them how it's probably my iron or something but unless they knew exactly how hard it is, i don't think anyone will quite understand. Unless someone stayed up for a few days then tried to function normally, they won't be on my level on exhaustion.

Being so exhausted also makes it tough on my mood. Most people feel irritated and cranky when they haven't gotten enough sleep. Well, try having that on a daily basis and finding a way to smile. It's really difficult and sometimes it really does get the better of me. It's hard to want to be excited and full of laughter and smiles when all i can think of doing is sleeping. I always wondered just how long i would sleep for if i didn't have to get up. I feel like i never would wake up. Even on weekends i force myself to get up so i can still have a full day. I don't want to spend my life sleeping.

My hope is that one day, ill be able to have a higher energy level. I'm not going to say normal energy, because i don't think that'll ever be an option for me. But i just want enough energy so i can enjoy my day's more and not constantly be counting the time till i can sleep, As much as i don't like hearing bad news from the doctor, I'm hoping there is something. Because then that means i can work towards a solution instead of being forever hopeless and tired.

Anxiety

Anxiety is something you will have heard of a lot of people having. For some it's worse then other's. I never used to be a person who really struggled with it. Over the last few month's i've found that it's become more of a challenge for me. People's minds and bodies are always changing, and as things get more stressful, anxiety can become an issue.

There's lots of different types of anxiety and symptoms. For myself i tend to get really nervous and feel really sick to my stomach. I also am unable to focus on any current task's. The annoying part for me is that sometimes i don't even know what it is that triggers my anxiety. It could be something that i didn't think i was worried about, but i really am.

I've really been working at ways to help prevent and stop my anxiety from happening. But sometime's i can't prevent it, especially if i don't know what caused it. Relaxation is a big way to treat anxiety but when i get in this state, i find the best way to stop it is to start going through all the possible things that could be causing it and work through them.

This morning when i woke up, i could tell i was feeling off. I just couldn't figure out why. Even on my way to work my stomach started turning and i started getting really anxious. I do have a lot going on lately so there is quite a bit of stress that could be causing this. I guess it's time to break down everything and hope that analyzing it all will calm my nerves.

So for starters, i feel like this week has already gotten away from me. I know it's only Tuesday, but i planned on taking Bella for a walk Wednesday since it's going to be so nice out, i have to get the food to make dinner at Shannan's on Thursday for her birthday, i also have to make sure i get Tyler's present ready for the weekend to give to him for his birthday. Not to mention i wanted to get done Bella's decorations this week for her party so that i could focus on the rest of the planning next week. This weekend Bella is also coming with me to Three Hills to meet Hotrod for the first time. So i guess I'm a bit nervous about that. I know it'll be okay but maybe its just my inner pom mom that's worried. Bella sometime's has issues meeting other dog's and it makes me a bit uneasy. With the busy week, and the weekend going to be here before i know it, that could be the start of this anxiety.

On another note, i'm always financially stressed out. No one likes having debt, but it's a part of life and just can't be avoided. I know I've been doing good with keeping up with my bills and building my savings, which i am proud of, but it also takes a lot of planning and stress to get there. You can't always plan what life is going to throw at you, so i try my very best to be prepared for what comes. I find that the struggle for me is with the little money i make, I'm able to cover my bills but i always have to decide if i wanna put a little into savings, or a little onto my Visa's. With having it be such little amounts back and forth it feel's almost like i get nowhere. It hasn't been until just recently that i can see my savings getting to a really good point by the end of April.

I have a goal in mind that i want my savings to be at, and I'm so close! But to get there quickly i would have to put all my attention to my savings and it would still take a few month's to make that happen. I'm so motivated to get to my savings goal since it's in reach, but in the back of my mind i have these big amounts on my Visa's to pay off. My thought in question is should i be pushing for my savings, or should i be happy with what i have right now, and really start pushing for my debt. I keep going back and forth in a constant debate on which i should go for. Just when i think I've decided, life throws a curve ball and makes me rethink my decision. Matt's truck was recently broken into and he lost a lot of stuff. It also made him really scared. We got his truck in for a car starter and alarm. He does really struggle with his finances and i know he couldn't afford the protection he needed so i offered to help pay. I don't regret helping him for one second because i know that he would do the same for me. Just stepping up to do that, while i was pushing for my savings makes me worry about my Visa's getting higher and if i should switch to focusing on them.

Me and Nicole recently started doing bullet journals. It really does relax my mind and keep everything organized. It's the dream planner that fits your life because you customize it to fit you! I think my next bullet journal task will be to make a financial planning page. I need to lay out my debt and goals and hope that helps me figure out what to do next. Or you know, if i wont the lottery, that'd be a big help too ;)

I guess another thing that sort of links to my finances is Bella's surgery. I know it's coming but i just don't know when. I'm supposed to take her in for another exam after shes a year old. Which is in 2 weeks. I'm happy that Bella's a year and can't wait to celebrate, but in the back of my mind i know that it just means it get's more real about the surgery. Even though she isn't limping anymore from the luxating patella, i notice lately she's been walking funny and i worry about her hips. I know last time we got her checked they said her hips were very good and there were no signs of issues, but they said the same thing about her leg joints the fist time. It all happened so quickly. I think this is also why i have so much added financial pressure on myself because i know whenever we do have to get this surgery that it will be very costly. And if i don't really save and work and my current debt that i'll be feeling way worse when it comes time to pay that bill. But no matter the price, i would find a way to get it done. I only want the very best for my fur baby and will ensure i keep to that always. I guess the first step is after her birthday taking her for another exam and see how things are. I also need to find out more information about our timeline for getting her the surgery. I think i need to stop worrying about the whole thing, and focus on the little tasks that come first.

Bella's party will be really great! And i'm so excited to have everyone celebrate with us! Bella basically is my child and i plan on having a full out birthday party for her. It feel like yesterday i was brainstorming for this and had lots of time to get it done. Now here we are with it being 2 weekends away and i feel like I've got nothing accomplished. I don't want to leave it all to the last week but do i really have time this week or next? Probably not. I really need to come up with a menu for the party. I have the decorations mainly, but i have to put a lot together. Plus i still need to come up with a cake plan. I know it sounds crazy putting so much effort into a dog party, but she's such a big part of my life. When someone is so important to you, you'll want to do everything you can for them. I don't care that she's a dog, she's more then that to me and this party as silly as it seems, is really important to me too. 

Well that's my personal life at the moment. Work is a different story. For the longest time i actually looked forward to going to work. I knew it wouldn't be stressful and that my workload would be okay. As of last week that all changed. My boss goes through phases where he has to change everything. Usually its the pricing of our products, which he did do. But the next big thing he decided to change was the staff positions. I really tried to keep my head down and avoid all the chaos. I really thought the staff change wouldn't involve me. But i was wrong. I'm now expected to take on 2 positions. Someone was supposed to be hired for this second position i took on, but so far i haven't seen any sign of that happening.It's a struggle to keep up with all the work. My only hope is we get another person to help me, and soon.

Well here's to hoping i can make it through all this. Just got to keep pushing.

Feeling...Purple?

Hidden Smile

Ever feel like you just wanna break down and cry? I hate that feeling. Feel's like something is weighing you down and you want to just give in to it. The struggles we face in life, are challenges that make us stronger. But it doesn't mean they don't take its toll on you first. 

Being strong is a matter of taking care of yourself. Having the strength to acknowledge that pain your going through. The hardest part is to put on a smile, push forward and know that tomorrow will be better. But there is always that fear that tomorrow won't be better and that hope of not experiencing this pain anymore, disappears. I know that sounds like negative thinking, but when you've cried as much as i have, you tend to get that way. You can only stay positive for so long.

When you cry the same tears over and over, you feel like the next time it happens, you'll be stronger and you wont have any tears left to shed. Wrong. If anything it hurts worse. Each tear that falls, is like another stab to the heart. My eyes, my emotions, and my heart are exhausted. When will they get a break is the real question. It's days like today when i can feel it all catching up with me and really trying to bring me down.

"Just because I'm used to it, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore."

I've always wished that i could be stronger in hiding my emotions. My whole life it's been a challenge but i need to realize that's just who i am. My tears aren't a sign of weakness. They're a sign of strength in showing my pain to others. My strength comes from getting back up and continuing the battle after the tears. That's what being strong is to me. And if shedding tears along the way in my battles is what gets me to overcome them, then i will gladly accept that.

In the past I've been a person who would give up and back out when things got tough. I would give an effort but and any signs of tough situations ahead, i would just back off and opt out. I've grown a lot from being that person. Now i feel like if i don't give it my all, it wasn't worth the pain. I'm still human and i still struggle, but for me i need to be able to question myself and say, did i give it my all?

I'm such a strong believer in everything happens for a reason. So i know that in some way, these battles and challenges, were meant to happen. I'm meant to fight them and learn from them. If it wasn't for my challenges in the past, i wouldn't be where i am now. I'll admit there are a lot of things in the past that even though i overcame those obstacles, i'm still haunted by the pain it caused. Will i ever truly let go of that pain? Maybe, maybe not. But all i can do is try.

You can't erase a scar. You can only accept it as being what makes you who you are. You were strong enough to move on from what caused that pain even though the memory may never leave you.

So where do i go from here? I try my hardest to continue to give it my all and not let these battle scars keep me down. God has me on this path for a reason. 

My job is to give it everything i have. 

Xoxo - Sara