Hidden Smile

Ever feel like you just wanna break down and cry? I hate that feeling. Feel's like something is weighing you down and you want to just give in to it. The struggles we face in life, are challenges that make us stronger. But it doesn't mean they don't take its toll on you first. 

Being strong is a matter of taking care of yourself. Having the strength to acknowledge that pain your going through. The hardest part is to put on a smile, push forward and know that tomorrow will be better. But there is always that fear that tomorrow won't be better and that hope of not experiencing this pain anymore, disappears. I know that sounds like negative thinking, but when you've cried as much as i have, you tend to get that way. You can only stay positive for so long.

When you cry the same tears over and over, you feel like the next time it happens, you'll be stronger and you wont have any tears left to shed. Wrong. If anything it hurts worse. Each tear that falls, is like another stab to the heart. My eyes, my emotions, and my heart are exhausted. When will they get a break is the real question. It's days like today when i can feel it all catching up with me and really trying to bring me down.

"Just because I'm used to it, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore."

I've always wished that i could be stronger in hiding my emotions. My whole life it's been a challenge but i need to realize that's just who i am. My tears aren't a sign of weakness. They're a sign of strength in showing my pain to others. My strength comes from getting back up and continuing the battle after the tears. That's what being strong is to me. And if shedding tears along the way in my battles is what gets me to overcome them, then i will gladly accept that.

In the past I've been a person who would give up and back out when things got tough. I would give an effort but and any signs of tough situations ahead, i would just back off and opt out. I've grown a lot from being that person. Now i feel like if i don't give it my all, it wasn't worth the pain. I'm still human and i still struggle, but for me i need to be able to question myself and say, did i give it my all?

I'm such a strong believer in everything happens for a reason. So i know that in some way, these battles and challenges, were meant to happen. I'm meant to fight them and learn from them. If it wasn't for my challenges in the past, i wouldn't be where i am now. I'll admit there are a lot of things in the past that even though i overcame those obstacles, i'm still haunted by the pain it caused. Will i ever truly let go of that pain? Maybe, maybe not. But all i can do is try.

You can't erase a scar. You can only accept it as being what makes you who you are. You were strong enough to move on from what caused that pain even though the memory may never leave you.

So where do i go from here? I try my hardest to continue to give it my all and not let these battle scars keep me down. God has me on this path for a reason. 

My job is to give it everything i have. 

Xoxo - Sara